This tear-free shampoo works great, but I still really miss my dead parents.

Don't worry audience, I'm not dead, just a lot of people around me seem to be. I'll fill you in when I get a moment to myself over the next couple days. And yes, I meant 'fill' as a sexual innuendo. Oh hey look, I'm in a comic!

Did you hear the one about the appendix? It's a real side-splitter!

Oh god.. it's you again..

What do you want from me this time?! I'm busy leave me alone. Seriously quit it.. Go play with the cool kids.

... KAYFINE! I guess I can spare a little time for you guys. How you been? Good? Yeah that's awesome, I don't care, let's talk about me :D

I think I'd firstly like to take time to appreciate these Super Hot Spider-Man Chicks ... Just ... Wow. I checked these out this morning, and so far my day has been pretty great. So I'll give you a few minutes to 'appreciate' them, and we'll move on shall we?!

...Done yet?

Yeah? OKAY GOOD :D So anyway, the other night I received a text from a long time friend. He's the kind of friend that there is absolutely zero emotional talk, and any talk on emotional level is instantly gratified with a sharp punch to the crotch and a 'Man Up' sticker. It's an awesome relationship, and has it's perks. When you're feeling a bit under the weather, there's nothing like a good Jade Goody joke to turn that frown upside down.....

....And then a punch to the crotch.

.. Haha no but seriously, I just heard she's signed a contract to appear in 'Most Haunted', such a money grabbing bitch.

So anyway, he somehow found out about my Grandfathers funeral and decided to question me about it. I told him I hadn't mentioned it to him as that's the very kind of subjects we avoided for good reason. He agreed. And then we laughed. We then went on laugh at the current state of Tunisia. (If you're unaware of the current political and economic state of Tunisia, I suggest you read a book; you useless turd.). Yeah I don't particularly have a punchline for this segment, but your mother's a whore.

Oh boy, I'm detecting a serious lack of images in this Bog so far. That's never good in a Bog. Maybe I'll get round to adding some later, but right now we have more pressing matters to attend too. I started listening to 'The Stranglers' again lately, and for those of you who are unfamiliar with them, check them out Asap. They Rock. Aside from that, I feel my music taste has taken a cheeky turn into a classical direction. I've been listening to piano pieces over and over lately. It's relaxing. Haha WHATAHOMORIGHT?!?!?!?!.


Well no.. Fuck you. It's nice. 


'My friends and I celebrate the Olympics with our own Beerlympics. It's just like the real Olympics, but all the events are based on drinking. This summer I won the gold medal in losing my job and abusing my wife. In 2012 I hope to add killing a pedestrian to that list.' 


...Anywa- Dear god, look at the time. I thinks it's about I made like an unsatisfied customer, and split!

And before I forget, *ahem*
..I Lyk Totally Just Realised Dat I Can Upgrade My Fone, Sooooo i thawt it wud be super awesum and kewl if i got that new apple phone. 'The Cup And String'.. ohmigawd that would be soooo sweet, im gunna tweet all my friends about the news xD xD xD :D -.- :S :D

Imagine if I really spoke like that?! ... Oh boy.

Is it me, or do crickets have really shitty taste in comedy?

So a little while back I had some free time to myself.. So I sat there (this isn't a sex story btw) and thought to myself, 'What can I do?'. I tossed around a few ideas, mostly involving heavy substance abuse. But I was trying to break my habits.. (namely midget porn). So instead I flicked through my Itunes looking for a decent tune. I found one. And then it hit me. It hit me like my father when I was 8 years old.
It suddenly struck me to create my own rendition of Papa Roach's 'Last Resort'. Now I'm not the best writer of lyrics, but I gave it a damn good shot. It was based on the theme of food, it's sloppy (joe) and unfinished. But it goes a little something like this...

CUT MY LIFE INTO PIZZA

THIS IS MY PLASTIC FORK

OVEN BAKING, HEAVY BREATHING

DON'T GIVE A FUCK IF IT'S CARBS THAT I'M EATING.

THIS IS MY PLASTIC FORK

CUT MY LIFE INTO PIZZA

I'VE REACHED MY PLASTIC FORK

OVEN BAKING, HEAVY BREATHING

DON'T GIVE A FUCK IF I GET MY FOOD STEALING

DO YOU EVEN CARE IF I DIE EATING?

WOULD IT BE SCONES, WOULD IT BE RICE?

IF I ORDER OUT TONIGHT

CHANCES ARE, THAT IT'S SPICED. 

MAKING IT SUPER SIZE

AND I'M CONTEMPLATING EXTRA FRIES.

...Simply beautiful.

Now I do promise to at least make an attempt to make more of these bogs for you to read Brad, just bare with me... Hahawaitwhatsthat? ... It's a Blog?... Oh.. .. your face is a Blog.

It's not the fact that I don't enjoy making them, I do, trust me. They just require more amounts of effort then I can be bothered to invest into. You see, this valuable time I'm wasting typing these words that you're reading right now, could be used on say... perhaps.. I don't know, how about exercising?! that's what cool people do right? no?
Okay what about studyi-HAHA.. no. couldn't even finish that haha. Good one though Brad, but I think the word you're looking for is 'Masturbating'

Ahh true..

More Poké-Fun

So anyway, my friend dug up this beautiful video that struck my funny bone with a light, yet euphoric percuss. And let's just say it made me smile. I hope it makes you smile too. Link here. Just skip past the first 40 minutes of hardcore bestiality porn and yeah.... *cough* (in all seriousness though, there's another 2 just before it, check them out)
In other news, This chick has an amazing rack, and a freaking awesome Poké-Bra... Admit it, you're a little turned on right now from that eh. This made me happy. As did this. But yeah.. i did promise myself that this one wouldn't be a monsterously long one like the rest, as i have a sahuuuper busy day tomorrow, and the next.. and pretty much the rest of my life.. So you might want to just never visit this Blog ever again.... Go on.. I'm serious.... Go.

...GO!


... You're still here aren't you.. Man I hate you.

Fine you can stay.. But you're sleeping on the floor.
Oh what am i saying.. c'mere audience.. loveyou.

Where was i? aha yes, okay then! before I piledrived the audience, i was just about to show you how funny this image is just to the right. Do you think poor, freezing children are purposely naughty throughout the year so that they get coal for Christmas? Maybe. That would be pretty awesome. Speaking of awesome, i decided that as a late new years resolution, I'm going to make up a resolution for next year. I'm also going to generally try and make the most of this year, develop as much as I can, don't force anything, and just yeah :) It'll be a good one I'm sure as hell about that!
Haha whey! i just managed to talk about a subject for 4 seconds without trailing off into some fucked up tangent.

Give yourself a pat on the back Brad.

So hey, this concludes our Bog for today .. (you know i should just make up my own name for it, how about.. Snipped of daily awesomeness) (yeah, nice one previous bracket, I like that, it really suggests there's going to be regular doses of these things) (thanks predecessors' bracket, I'm glad you appreciate my idea, i think you're right, seems like we can get along after all)

...(fuck you)







So yes! What have we learnt today. If anything we've learnt that if you ever get in a situation like this, follow these simple rules. It's usually hit, stop, look at the body, think about calling 999, forget about calling 999 and then run like fuck.

Suitable for all ages... except the Renaissance.

So today I spent a little time thinking about what I'm going to do about my future. I thought about a few options I have, and how they would benefit me in the long run. Some opportunities stood out more then others. But on the other hand, I also had to take into consideration other options. Blowing all of my money on a final 'hoorah' cocaine binge and dying in a pool of my own excrement, vomit and blood seems like the more favourable choice at the moment. I'm still undecided, so I'll get back to you on that.

Catch the cheeky little history pun I managed to sneak into the title eh? I think that shows absolute dedication to this blog really, incorporating stuff that matters to me on the internet. Oh what am I like?!
I mean, it's not that I couldn't give a fuck about it. It's just that you're wasting your time if you think you'll ever dig something out of it other then ridiculous (awesome) humour. They'll be signs of me genuinely acting like a normal human being and discussing things that matter to me. But the truth is, not a lot really matters to me, except from being able to just laugh. So I guess this leads me onto the next segment, which I like to call...

'Have a funny picture, and maybe a song or video.. You piece of shit mother fucker'
(The title might change depending on how I feel. I haven't decided yet.. Again.)


Moving on- So today I have for you a picture for you that express how I'm feeling emotionally (lol)


No but seriously, there's one image which I caught sight of today, and it took me a second to realise it, but then it struck me. and I thought to myself .. 'Not gonna lie Brad, you are the most sexiest son of a bitch alive' .. I then mentally fist bumped myself and .. wait... I lost my train of thou- There it is. So click Here and scroll down a little. You'll come to a picture of the globe. Just check to see what's wrong with it.


See it yet? ('merr brad stop spacing everything') 
(fuck you previous bracket, fuck you)


No?


Okay so check out the red circle I've allocated on the right.
Can somebody please tell me what the fuck that is meant to be?


Oh well. I wont dwell on it.. (I bet the fucking French did it) so lets move swiftly onto something else. 


I had a friend once, his name was David. We were best friends up until Year 4. He moved away. He later died of Pneumonia. Serves him right. 
No I'm joking. I didn't have a lot of friends growing up (lie), infact I was a bit of a loner (lie, I was awesome). I used to get bullied (bully kids) all the time. Sorta why I have (awesome) issues now I guess. Cruel world.


So yeah, audience, I love you to bits. BUT I'm getting tired, and truth be told, you're boring me a little. It's nothing personal, I just.. Yeah.. I mean.. We can still be friends right? 
Yeah whatever then fuck you too.


I don't know, I mean I guess I should probably take more care of my weight and appearance if I'm going to overcome all the self esteem issues I don't have. So that's why I've decided to undergo a new Seafood diet.....
When i see food, i eat it!...




........ But only if it's seafood.




...Idiot.


And so my dear reader, t'is time to bid thee farewell. But before I go, here's a little gem I picked out earlier. It's mostly due to the immense anticipation I'm feeling for next month. It's well gay (like your father), I realise that, but it makes me happy. So it should make you happy too.


And if it doesn't, I'll fuck you with a knife. 


Check out this Tune .. I have a corpse to move..

Goodmorning Class

So I just got back from the doctors. Apparently I have 'weaponised semen' .. or 'Syphilis' as they like to call it. Pshht, Doctors.

On a completely unrelated note, today was pretty good to me. Absolutely fuck all interesting happened, so there is really no point in you reading this. Oh, unless you count the fact that i ran into my ex girlfriend earlier. It didn't go to well lol, now i need to get my car fixed.


I'm serious...
Ugh fine, I guess we can talk about the fact that I cant get enough of the fucking 'Enter' button; there seems to be massive gaps in my writing, you noticed it too? Yeah I'm sorry, habit. Incase you're all like 'durr brads wer dat funny gon from theother day rofl', Then yeah, it's totally gone. I mean dry. Fresher then a bel air prince. I hope to god you have low expectations for this like me.

So yeah, found this little gem of a comic the other day and thought I'd share it with you. Speaking of which, forgot left my mic on whilst playing Xbox earlier and began to recite the entirety of 'No diggity' by Blackstreet. I had a brief moment of embarrassment, but then realised it's a fucking awesome tune and began to sing louder. LOL nobutseriouslythough, i left the game and weeped a little out of sheer humiliation.

Been keeping up with world news? I bet you haven't, you ignorant fuckers.

So the Ivory Coast is being utterly raped by their leader Mr Gbagbo (fucking awesome name I know, I'm legitimately changing my mothers name to that) so the UN is going Assassins Creed on his ass. And by that I mean assassination. Coincidently, the word 'Assassin' has the word 'Ass' in it twice, and i can never take it seriously. So what we can learn from this, is that you should never trust a Jew. That snippet of information was a total waste of time wasn't it? Straight over your head.

I hate you.

Seriously though, absolutely nothing interesting has happened to me of late. I mean, i got dragged into another dimensional vortex last Friday, ending up fighting my way through hordes of evil zombies before slaying the heinous demon dragon of the netherworld. But yaknow, no biggie.. whatevz man.

And on that note, I'm as bored as Elizabeth Fritzl. So today, I leave you today in the capable hands (or should i say paws LMFAO) of Mishka.

God damn, I would hit that bitch.

Dear Bradley,

You're an idiot for thinking even remotely that a Blog will have any therapeutic effect in your miserable existence; however, some people just can't get enough of you. So why not throw a bone?!
- Yeah, i guess you're right 'Inner Conscience', you always know the right things to say.

So where to start then? I know. How about a Story. :D Would you like that audience? I bet you would. Alrighty then, lets get started. A story!

It all started on a lonely winters night. I sat lonely in front of my computer, the monitor blazing at my face, illuminating the pitch black room with flooding array. I adjusted myself comfortably as my trouser fell to my ankles and- .. Uh.. never-mind, that's probably inappropriate.

Um.. What about that time when we were on. No wait.. that was illegal...
How about tha- Wait.. no.. she died...
Oh i know, what about introducing yourself?.. Laaaaaame.

Okay, so, I'm Bradley, I'll be your guide here on our wondrous adventure through the mind of.. Well.. Me :) And I'd just like to kick things off by saying 'You're Awesome'. Yeah you, you right there reading this :) I love you :)


...
Aha, yeah, no.. just kidding, i want you to die.
Preferably painfully. I'll settle for moderately agonising though i guess. How many more words do i have to waste before this post looks professionally well crafted from a first glance? Oh boy, guess i should probably talk about me and stuff.
But there's really no point! You already know me if you're reading this. And I only have a fan base of like.. I don't know, 6 billion (But who's counting lol). And that's just the last time i checked :/

Oh,  i know. Lets make this a lame cast off 'omg guoys this it totaly gonna be my year o.O 2k11 luvin that speshul sum1 xD LOLOLOL' post. That'll be cool. No it really wouldn't. So instead, I think I'll just leave you with a picture of me from my school days. I got in the Newspaper! I know right! :D My mother was so proud of me...

(Embarrassing i know, right? Look at that Haircut!)